May 22nd, 2002

blad

(no subject)

ok so the last entry was kind of personal, depressing and not made for this place. i thought of deleting it but i won't. i will deal with such stuff more to myself in the future though. now more than 1½ hour has passed and it's over for now. and once again i can draw the conclusion that music is my drug. the only drug i need. i believe i'm an alien. this time i wanted screams. i wanted hard music. i wanted angst and i wanted despair. so i looked in my record collection and found korn - follow the leader from ninetyeight. that's right ladies and gentlemen, i own it, and i used to listen to it in ninetyeight. and i put it on on tinitus-volume in my headphones as i lay in my bed freezing under the sheets. and it worked. the first three songs [which are the best on the record] made everything in my head into a small cube and stuck it somewhere deep down for now. i stopped shaking and i could breathe again. it was mind cleaning, but even more. when i listen to music in a therapy way like this i get totally empty. my eyes are dry now from just staring into nowhere and the darkness in my room for one hour. so it worked even this time and probably will next time. we'll see. i have the alarm clock set on 6 am. current pulse: 110 beats/min. relieved.

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    okay okay