May 28th, 2002

blad

(no subject)

so now i'm home and the big school dance thingy is over. i had hoped it to be a little more elegant and fun, still i can't put my finger on anything that was bad or so. well, it was just..a party, yes. with its idiotical swedish stockholm-tradition of drinking songs and screams, drunk students and well..."happy" people. and i have decided now that i don't like parties, for sure. even though i had "fun" at times, dancing, talking, laughing and so, it's not my thing. and why that is, i don't know. i'm just a social misfit and i'm fine with it. besides i couldn't really hear what people were saying anyway. and after several hours i suddenly got the alien-feeling again, overwhelming me. as always. staring at a little spot on the floor feeling totally distant, like i was not human. and i got lots of strong feelings and i missed someone terribly terribly much. and i had to go downstairs and to the window and stand there alone and look at the water and the lights outside and calm down. and then go to the toilet just to sit there being totally alone for a little while. behind the dancing floor there was a little round window that would have been perfect to sit in if i hadn't been wearing that dress, and not been at a party. i want a window like that in a house somewhere sometime in the future. a round window just for me.

my parents are going to our summer house again, so this week will be another emotional one, but i think i like it. they've been away so much lately and i like not taking care of myself so much, i have to when they are here..
and i will try to be happy alone here with svartnos. she's just the best and i love her so much.

but for now, i think i'll go hug my pillow and fall asleep.
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