June 5th, 2002


(no subject)

ok so now i've called the ungdomsmottagning, thursday next week it is. i feel sick thinking about it. i don't want a darn examination i just want to run away, really fast. i worry even more after reading thousands of pages on the net. i just want a comforting hug, i want to be held and cared about for an entire night. my bed is lonely and under two big sheets it's still so cold i freeze to death every night. i want a soft voice telling me it will be okay. i'm scared, i think my doctor phobia started right now. my heart is beating too fast. and i'm still sick, coughing. i can't sit still but i can't do anything.

the word "distance" has got a whole new meaning to me. after this i'll try to never ever get close to this word again. Distance is the most evil creature on this world. it's true.
i could kill Distance with my bare hands right now just to save other people from experiencing him. i would kick him and beat him and make him cry and shiver. just like he's done to me. but much much rather i would love to kill him by making him so small and short he can't be called Distance anymore. now that is really something.

tonight i recorded 40 minutes of birds singing. on a tape. from the trees outside.

i love the trees.
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