August 15th, 2002

blad

and onward now and on forever

when i was little, say around 5-6 years old, when something got hard or if i felt i was unfairly treated i yelled "uh-huh? then i'm going to run off!" [da tänker jag rymma!] and i planned to live on my own somewhere "far away" - in the little garden that was around the kindergarten where i lived. i could lie crying for a long time in my room mumbling "i'm going to run off" until my dad came in and told me that dinner was ready and i he lifted me up and carried me out to the kitchen where i sat and tried to look angry until i noticed how good the food tasted and forgot all about being grumpy. so i never left home back in those days. nowadays, when something gets hard and i feel frustrated i do leave, which scares me a bit. i might stay away for 15 minutes only, but still.. maybe i'm trying to make up for all those times when i was six years old. somewhere deep inside i'm still a stubborn, silly child wanting attention and understanding. i hope people will bare with me.

if i was an animal i would probably be a big, shy wild pig living in the forest, saying "gggrrrrmmmmpppfff", walking among the leaves. and sometimes running out among people just for fun, to tease them, scare them and do fun experiments. hm.

i want to be strong and then the rest would get fixed by itself. (some things i won't mention here.) people say you have to "find your inner self" and then you will be content. i really think i have, which is quite shitty. if this is my inner self then i feel bad for the people who have to be around me. sometimes i'm fine with it though, but only when i compare myself with people i dislike. did this make sense? no, so whatever.
and my self-confidence is on minus-two-thousand-something. i don't know. i want a big fluffy banana like malescas - big, fluffy and alive giving me alot of support all the time. i wish i could kick myself with my boots a bit. oh and maybe i should change to a deadjournal..

oh fuck how i miss dancing. i miss tech noir. and i will miss the tinitus festival (here) on münchenbryggeriet! i want to dance dance to hard fast music and let my mind get filled and feel the beats pumping through my body while i bounce bounce bounce and move move move, never stopping. music gives me energy and blows my mind away. the synth and ebm scene is not big here in vienna. i've been lying on the sofa here moving my body rhythmically to the music with closed eyes seeing the ebm-dance floor in my head, the flashing lights and the loud volume. maybe i can dance a bit in here, i don't know.

and i want make up a dance together with someone with symetrical movements fitting movements to this playlist. if anyone is interested please come here and dance with me. free living in vienna, hohooo. not really. just give me a club where i can dance! [or i'll start my own where there'll be a candy rain every half hour]

--- project pitchfork // timekiller [and one mix]
--- das ich // destillat [vnv nation mix]
--- vnv nation // after fire [högt högt högt!]
--- wumpscut // flucht
--- vnv nation // rubicon [exclusive track]
--- rammstein // heirate mich
--- second decay // i hate berlin
--- sparks // modesty blaise
--- wumpscut // soylent grün
--- wumpscut // untermensch
--- rammstein // du hast
--- vnv nation // fragments [splinter]
--- welle:erdball // tanzpalast 2000
--- theatre of tragedy // machine [vnv nation remix]
--- vnv nation // saviour [vox]

i better go and make myself some dinner. oh, and this is what i look like tonight:

  • Current Music
    vnv nation // fragments [splinter]