November 7th, 2002

blad

(no subject)


i have 3700 sek to live on until the 16th of december, and from these 1900 goes to the flight ticket home...home...to christmas and new years eve. as usual my imagination have taken me much further than i wanted it too..i was so sure that if i did not have clemens by me for christmas [understandable that he want to be with his family and not mine] i would at least spend new years eve with him and filip and emma in hälsingland...it seems he can't afford it..

and i feel sick when i think of how i will feel...early christmas morning..everything is cosy, christmas tree, snow...no clemens to kiss or take a walk with in the snow...nothing. just on the stupid phone. garghh it will be horrible.. which leads me to the thought of how horrible it would be to be away from him for a longer time, to study or to live in sweden alone. relationships between two human beings are not meant to be practiced with a 2000 km distance [or however much it is..] i don't want to think of spring... i have three choices to be able to stay in vienna:

> study more [don't want to waste all my available csn loan money though]
> find a job and work [good for german experience, but for how long?]
> marry clemens

of course i could study some uni courses here, but i don't know what its good for if i sooner or later want to study in sweden. writing final works in german would be very very hard. but i can't study in sweden and be away from clemens for a whole semester, it just wouldn't work, and i'd be a ghost of my former myself, or whatever it's called. i know that.

my problem is: i like vienna but i don't want to live here only for the rest of my life, however, i'd be perfectly fine with going back and forth from sweden to vienna all my life. i want clemens to get to know sweden too, and learn swedish and all, and we would be a super-bilingual couple. why must it all be so problematic?

i want to build something...
someone make the years go faster...or give me an awful amount of money.

hang on to your hope my darling, don't let it slip away....

me and my stupid pictures...
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