December 22nd, 2002

blad

(no subject)

i'm in sweden again and it feels both weird and super normal. life goes on, and i have met more friends in a few days than i ever have before. and i've seen the two towers. and i've been kissing and sniffing and hugging my rabbit who's my best animal-friend in the world. and i almost cry already, thinking of leaving her again.

my future irritates me. it gnaws and runs inside me so that i can't relax. and things my friends say to me make me think. and some things scare me because i can't see an end to them. cowardice, immaturity and over-sensitivity. is it him or me?

sometimes i think i'm older than i really am.

and what is it with my swedish? everytime i try to say something i get a major blockout and can't find the words. i just go "ehhhhh...fuck fuck fuck." that's bad, i'm supposed to be a swedish teacher in a few days.
and i like swedish. if i'm native i should be able to speak it on a higher level. damn.

Flaggstångsknoppsputspoleringsmedelsflaskskorksetikettspåklistrare..
repetera..

it's cold here, and i can't lie in spoon position [what a swedish expression..] with my love yet for a few days. i sleep like a small hamster baby alone in my bed though. i haven't slept this good for half a year. as soon as i've laid my head on the pillow i can't remember anything more until the next morning. then i lie for 40 minutes just looking into some far away spot in the ceiling feeling the warmth under my blanket until my mum tells me to get up.

mum cut my hair too short again. but the major mistake was my own fault. just give me a fucking wig.

and fights over icq is the most depressing thing, really. i want to form teams, i don't want to stand alone. because i always lose. and then i lose some more.

i walk in coma here, everything feels so unreal. i guess i had expected me to get into some psychological chrisis when i got home. because life is so easy here, and an easy life is a happy life i guess. maybe it comes later, maybe it doesn't.

i will still write a book.

and then i will count needle trees in southern siberia.
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