July 6th, 2005


(no subject)

it has been hard days of constant-sick-feeling and tiredness. everything is still not back to normal, but i don't really ask it to be. this weekend i have learned more about myself (physically as well as mentally) than any time before. i have looked at myself from the outside, i have twisted and turned every strange or sad feeling inside. i haven't cried anything yet, instead i'm just waiting, feeling this huge urge to sit on a beach, talking for hours about us, life and the world. we might still have problems, but i think and hope that after this weekend, they will be smaller and more unimportant than ever before. that is, if he's willing to give happiness with me a chance. one thing i know for sure is that i also in three years time want to wake up and fall asleep by his side, because it's one of the most wonderful things i know. i really hope i will.

about the body: i'm still in awe of my body for not being sick (as in having caught illness/virus), if i think of how i'm pushing it. in 4 days, i have been eating less food than i usually do in two days. i have been sleeping between 3 and 6 hours per night for 2 weeks, if you don't count that strange exhausted night with 13 hours sleep. at the same time, i have my period which i haven't had for 4 months. i eat strange things, bread and candy mostly. all those things together would make any ordinary person catch a virus/cold/fever. i have started to think much higher of my body, but i sure need to apologise to him.. i walk, laugh and, more importantly, continue at work when my body is constantly telling me i should sleep and let it rest. i never knew you could sleep with your eyes open for this long. i watch my hands as they fold 4008 pieces (1,5 days or work) of flattened paper boxes into real boxes, happy that they don't listen to the demands from the rest of the body. only three days more at work, then i'll sleep. and maybe eat, we'll see.

since sunday night hee-jung, the south korean exchange student from växjö, has been sleeping here. she's been exploring the town at day-time, doing small-talk and evening walks with us in the evenings. yesterday we bought tickets (no seats, standing at the back) for the romeo and juliet musical in german. she liked it very much, even though she didn't understand the singing. it was nice to do something cultural in vienna again. i will try to use the opportunity of buying "bad" tickets cheap to other cultural things. i have never been to a real ballet, opera or theatre with a classical theme in my whole life, if you don't count strange stuff i visited with school.

enough is enough. i went up at 04:40 today to say goodbye to hee-jung, even though i sure would have needed that extra hour or sleep (slept 5 hours..), but instead, today will be another amazing day or sleeping-working, packing medicines. it's over soon, if i survive the last days.

if you haven't downloaded pet shop boys - flamboyant yet, do so now. it makes my days much better. i even danced a bit on the subway station yesterday.

and to my friends and parts of family: thank you for being there, i wouldn't have made it through this week without you. <3

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