August 26th, 2005

blad

(no subject)

i'm sitting watching tv and computer nerding as i have done the last days. yesterday i met some friends from my class, it was great, but i felt numb, still. in the evening we went out to the first opening of the student pub in the area. lots of drinking people and lost exchange student newcomers, but at least i met the girl from korea that i will be "buddy" for. she was nice, and we talked for a few hours. i sleep too little so i was very tired when i came home, still i couldn't sleep before i had watched tv for a few hours. i wish i had a video recorder and all of filips old seinfeld VHS-tapes. that would help.

when you are forced to watch tv constantly, you realise how much shit they broadcast in that thing. the worst time of day is around 11:00-15:00, when it's only win-money-on-lucky-numbers shows and live goverment discussions, combined with "7th heaven", the most stupid tv-series ever made. in sweden, we will soon (2006) all be forced to have digital tv. i think, the first year will be chaotic, the technical advances are made far too slow. but in a few years time, we will be able to choose wich programs we want to see on a list of channels, and program them to show after one another on a small monitor. we can choose not to see advertisement, we can choose to see 5 movies in a row if we want to. hopefully, i will not sit here in the same way then, but will have gotten on with my life - still it will be a more democratic way of tv-watching.

i just found out that i can wait with a few of the bills i have to pay until i've got my money. that feels so good, then i just have to borrow maybe 600kr from my parents instead of much more. i also managed to eat breakfast today for the first time since monday, which should be seen as a tiny victory.

i feel better, but i feel numb and the feeling in my stomach won't go away for a long time. i just discussed with clemens in icq my own personal thoughts about humans and how they cope with feelings of pain and joy, and what i think is his problem. i actually felt better afterwards. people keep telling me not to talk to him right now, but there were many thoughts about what i consider to be problems for him in the long run, that i wanted to spit out. spit is the wrong word, i have never (in german!) written down so extremely well my thoughts and why i consider them good. i am proud and i will save them all in a word document or so.

when i felt bad in the morning i drew this picture in paint of how i feel right now. consider it self therapy. (or more like a cute drawing).



today i will clean up in my room, go to the riding school and hang out there, and go help paula pack her things on the uni campus.
i will try to make a good day out of this, if i can.

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