January 9th, 2007

blad

(no subject)

now when christmas is over i grow tired of seeing my old entry, but i have nothing very important to say.

even though my love life and general home life is great, a restlessness and worry is growing inside.
i put myself against the wall because i want to understand why i'm so hesitant with everything that demands a bit of work. what am i so afraid of, and more importantly - how did i come to be so afraid of these things? am i really just very very lazy - and if so, is that not very bad? i feel so stupid when i find no reasons for not doing things. this week i am really starting with that essay, but it still worries me that i just want to do absolutely nothing. for short periods of time, a strange creativity can hit me, but it disappears way too fast.

another thing that has to do with me is the lack of saved money. when i compare myself to other people, i feel so stupid for not having any saved money at all at the age of 23. they look at me strangely and can't believe it. is it really just me? how much money do you have saved, if any? maybe i don't want to know, maybe it will make me feel bad. i have no money, i have no money. of course it is because i haven't saved any. does it make me stupid? i don't know. i plan on saving whenever i get a somewhat regular job. i find it wasteful to save parts of what i take as a student loan now.

in general, the nearest future (6 months) is too uncertain for my taste.

and of top of this, a growing longing to travel has grabbed me. i start to forget that i have lived two years in another country, but as soon as i remember, i long to speak english or german and explore new land again. but it has to wait, and i hate it.

now when i think of it, i find the missing key and the personal key to all my problems: I HATE WAITING!
- i hate waiting to search for jobs so i do that instead of writing my essay.
- i hate being forced to wait to read all those garden books i want to read.
- i hate waiting for the time when i can get a decent income and save money.
- i hate waiting for when i have my own garden to experiment in.
- i hate waiting for the time when i can travel a little together with erik.

and all that frustration is what makes me feel uneasy and bad and restless and somehow sad.
and yeah i know my life is easy and there are millions of people who currently experience worse problems, and i'm just whining but sometimes you're allowed to do that too. ^^



ebba 1984 - one year old, mega cute and with no worries:



more baby/child photos of me


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